"Not just losing your husband.
Losing the version of yourself that existed before."
My name is Merryl founder of Magical Soul Creations, If it’s your first time in our space welcome and thank you for being here. This is probably the hardest one to write yet. I became a Widow at 32 years old, I was with my husband for four years\, 2 and a half in our marriage, we don’t have children, just a beautiful dog. We just moved to Huntingotn beach Ca from Florida keys august 2021. There I started Magical soul creations and he had his own business and it’s growing nd he is doing very well with it. We have talked about our future but mostly just having our businesses in place, buying a home , buying a cabin and starting to plan on having kids, a normal plan , the normal way of life as they say, we never talked about What do were gonna do if one of us die,none of these stuff. Who would’ve thought that I was already living in the last chapter of the life I knew, I woke up and He is gone.I woke up and I was alone. I woke up and the life the I knew changed completely, the we became I. I am not a wife anymore. Im single again and this time a widow. The future that I was expecting changed completely and all the plans we made are now erased. The growing old together is gone.The life I have with him is gone. The person I go home to was gone, my best friend who I tell everything to is gone, the decisions that were supposed to make together I make alone now.
Before he died, I was so excited with my new business magical soul, I was excited on plannning to buy a house and a cabin, I was excited to travel to Philippines with him so he can meet my parents, I was excited to travel to Japan sp he can meet my sister, and of course planning on what mountain to hike next since we were in California. I was so inspired by him and our relationship, how lucky I am to wake up every day with a husband like him and a beautfiul dog with us and living in a magical place in California. I was full of joy that I couldn’t believe what my life with him is, it felt unreal and our love felt unreal were not just lovers were best friends.
After he died, I dont want anything to do woth magical soul, I paused my business as I dont have any inspiration and heart for it. I couldn’t continue his business alone. I can’t do it its too much and my emotions cannot hold it. I just ewanted to throw everything.
I had to move out of our apartment, moved back to his parents house as I have nowhere to go. I couldn’t think at all. If I had the chance to not get out of the apartment or room that’s what I would do for awhile. It was so dark that I couldnt think of anything but to take my life away. We didnt have kids so I dont have the energy or thought of wanting to survive for myself, I have no idea how I manage to survive those days and months that All I can think is to die, I cried everyday, I lostr track of how many days and when was the day I didn’t cry for the whole day. I hated life, I hate opening my eyes in the morning. I dont want to plan anything, Im just surving day by day, I dont want to talk to anyone even my family and friends, It felt isolating,I couldnt see myself without him. Nothing around me looks beautiful everything is dark, pale, and no life, I couldn’t care less about living for days and months.
I couldn’t look at any of my social media seeing couples that are happy and still married, and here I am widow at 32, filling out paperowrks feels so weird as myt category is widow, and I remember putting single to avoid the category of being widow. It feels so weird and hurts so much.
I didn't know where I belonged anymore.
I couldn't call myself a widow because the word itself hurt too much. I couldn't accept that this was who I was now.
But calling myself single didn't feel right either. I wasn't single. I was married. I had a husband. I loved him, and he didn't leave because our marriage ended. He died.
So where did that leave me?
I had no direction. I had no desire to do anything, and I wasn't thinking about getting better. I couldn't even imagine what "getting better" was supposed to look like.
The life I knew was gone, and I didn't know who I was supposed to be without it.
I think this is one of the hardest part of becoming a widow, not just grieving my soulmate but to grieve the life that I was expecting to have with him. I lost myself completely.
I dont exactly remember when was I started feeling a little boost of good energy, Ive travelledto Europe thinking it will make me feel better,but no when I was in Paris with a friend I wanted to jump off on our hotel balcony while she was out, I couldnt get out of bed and I cried myself to sleep thatr night, I remember hiking alone in portofino Italy and I was crying while hiking, because we were supoosed to hike together like w ealways do.
After Europe a few m,onths later I went to Bali with my mom and I went for healing seassion with my friend’s father who is. Shaman and healer. I went back to Philippines to visit my friends and spend time with my parents, then after ths trip, again I was back home in Florida I started to feel like killing mysel;f again, it was so dark I couldnt pull myself out of that darkness.
One morning I decided to touch my magical soul business again and this one I felt very motivated to do. It gave me a sense of purpose to continue it with a deeper meaning, Every day I work on my business and started to thjink deeply.
Finally, I found the soul pupose of the brand during the darkest days of my life. I decided to rebrand and to be more focused on people that are going through the darkest days of their lives. I signed up and got approved in farmers market in key west, so while working in the hospitality industry, I was doing my magical soul on weekends. I started to feel more grounded, that I am coming back to myself little by little and see the people truly care for me.
I started to feel a boost of energy and seeing friends around the area helped me a lot as well, my ihn laws supported me in every way they can financially and even my business. I went back to teaching yoga and that helped me a lot, to be in space with like minded women and men.
I used to think that maybe one day I would come back to the person I was before he died.
But thats not the case, I didn't.
I'm a very different person now.
I am more patient, more grateful.
I was very anbgry for for a very long time after he died, and now little things that used to upset me before, people who used to irritate me at work ,family members, and friends doesnt bother me anymore, I dont have the energy to give and be upset and give my energy to these environment and relationships. It just not worth of my time nd energy. I am more stronger now and wiser with decisions I have to make both professionally and personally.
Grief didnt just changed me in a beautiful way.
Grief also changed me in a way where I am colder and couldn’t care less about people who offended me and doesn’t align with me anymore. I dont let them bother my peace, I also cut them off my life, doesnt matter to me if they are family or close friends. I am not proud of this, and I am actively working through this part of me, I feel sad about this sometimes, but this is the truth. And I know that part of this is not necessarily good.
Grief will change us and try to break us. Brings out all the darkness and light in us.
Becoming a widow showed me how resilient and strong I am and I can proudly say I am strong. I survived the darkest days of my life and I can survive whatever.
Im not scared to face life and difficult situation anymore. Nothing can break me. The power that I feel and the rush of energy after hitting rock bottom, feeling like coming back to my senses is amazing I cant even decribe how it is.
The moments of missing someone you love and lost will still hurt like hell and you will grieve them forever,The hole In your heart will never leave, you’ll have them forever
, but you’ll learn how to build around your wounded heart and soul.
Becoming a widow is not what I wish for anyone, but its part of life that many of us will experience and have to accept.
Almost four years later, calling myself a widow still feels strange. I don't know if that word will ever feel completely normal to me.
But I can stand it now in a way that I couldn't before.
Today, the word still carries a weight, but I don't run away from it the way I used to.
I am a widow. But being a widow is only one part of who I am.
I am still Merryl.
I'm just not the same Merryl I was before.
And maybe I never will be.
If you became a widow recently and you don't recognize yourself anymore, I understand. You don't have to figure out who you're supposed to be right away. I didn't. I'm still learning parts of myself almost four years later.
I don't believe we simply go back to who we were before grief. We carry that person with us while slowly discovering who we are becoming.
Thank you for taking the time to read my journal.
From my heart and soul to yours,
Merryl Burns
Journal No. 3
Becoming a Young Widow
Not just losing your husband.
Losing the version of yourself that existed before.
My name is Merryl, founder of Magical Soul Creations. If it’s your first time in our space, welcome, and thank you for being here.
This is probably the hardest one to write yet.
I became a widow at 32 years old. I was with my husband for four years, two and a half of those years married. We didn’t have children, just a beautiful dog.
We had just moved to Huntington Beach, California, from the Florida Keys in August 2021. There, I started Magical Soul Creations, and he had his own business. His business was growing, and he was doing very well with it.
We talked about our future, mostly about having our businesses in place, buying a home, buying a cabin, and starting to plan on having kids. A normal plan, the normal way of life, as they say. We never talked about what we were going to do if one of us died. None of that stuff.
Who would’ve thought that I was already living in the last chapter of the life I knew?
I woke up, and he was gone.
I woke up, and I was alone.
I woke up, and the life that I knew had changed completely.
The We became I.
I wasn’t a wife anymore. I was single again, and this time, a widow.
The future that I was expecting changed completely, and all the plans we made were now erased. Growing old together was gone. The life I had with him was gone. The person I went home to was gone. My best friend, who I told everything to, was gone. The decisions we were supposed to make together, I had to make alone now.
Before he died, I was so excited about my new business, Magical Soul. I was excited about planning to buy a house and a cabin. I was excited to travel to the Philippines with him so he could meet my parents. I was excited to travel to Japan so he could meet my sister. And, of course, we were planning which mountain to hike next since we were in California.
I was so inspired by him and our relationship. I thought about how lucky I was to wake up every day with a husband like him, our beautiful dog with us, and to be living in a magical place in California.
I was full of joy. I couldn’t believe that this was my life with him. It felt unreal, and our love felt unreal.
We weren’t just lovers. We were best friends.
After he died, I didn’t want anything to do with Magical Soul. I paused my business because I didn’t have any inspiration or heart for it. I couldn’t continue his business alone. I couldn’t do it. It was too much, and my emotions couldn’t hold it. I just wanted to throw everything away.
I had to move out of our apartment and move back to his parents’ house because I had nowhere to go. I couldn’t think at all. If I had the chance to not get out of the house or my room, that’s what I would have done for a while.
It was so dark that I couldn’t think of anything but taking my life. We didn’t have kids, so I didn’t have the energy or thought of wanting to survive for myself. I have no idea how I managed to survive those days and months when all I could think about was dying.
I cried every day. I lost track of how many days passed and when the first day was that I didn’t cry for the whole day.
I hated life. I hated opening my eyes in the morning.
I didn’t want to plan anything. I was just surviving day by day. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, even my family and friends. It felt isolating. I couldn’t see myself without him.
Nothing around me looked beautiful. Everything felt dark, pale, and lifeless. I couldn’t care less about living for days and months.
I couldn’t look at social media and see couples who were happy and still married, and here I was, a widow at 32.
Filling out paperwork felt so weird because my category was “widowed,” and I remember putting “single” to avoid the category of being a widow.
It felt so weird, and it hurt so much.
I didn’t know where I belonged anymore.
I couldn’t call myself a widow because the word itself hurt too much. I couldn’t accept that this was who I was now.
But calling myself single didn’t feel right either. I wasn’t single. I was married. I had a husband. I loved him, and he didn’t leave because our marriage ended.
He died.
So where did that leave me?
I had no direction. I had no desire to do anything, and I wasn’t thinking about getting better. I couldn’t even imagine what “getting better” was supposed to look like.
The life I knew was gone, and I didn’t know who I was supposed to be without it.
I think this is one of the hardest parts of becoming a widow—not just grieving my soulmate, but grieving the life that I was expecting to have with him.
I lost myself completely.
I don’t exactly remember when I started feeling a little boost of good energy.
I traveled to Europe thinking it would make me feel better, but no. When I was in Paris with a friend, I wanted to jump off our hotel balcony while she was out. I couldn’t get out of bed, and I cried myself to sleep that night.
I remember hiking alone in Portofino, Italy, and crying while I was hiking because we were supposed to hike together, like we always did.
A few months after Europe, I went to Bali with my mom, and I went for a healing session with my friend’s father, who is a shaman and healer. I went back to the Philippines to visit my friends and spend time with my parents.
Then, after those trips, I was back home in Florida, and I started to feel like killing myself again. It was so dark. I couldn’t pull myself out of that darkness.
One morning, I decided to touch Magical Soul again, and this time, I felt very motivated to do it.
It gave me a sense of purpose to continue it with a deeper meaning. Every day, I worked on my business and started to think deeply.
Finally, I found the soul purpose of the brand during the darkest days of my life.
I decided to rebrand and focus more on people who are going through the darkest days of their lives. I signed up and got approved for a farmers market in Key West, so while working in the hospitality industry, I was doing Magical Soul on the weekends.
I started to feel more grounded. I felt like I was coming back to myself little by little, and I started to see the people who truly cared for me.
I started to feel a boost of energy, and seeing friends around the area helped me a lot as well. My in-laws supported me in every way they could—financially and even with my business.
I went back to teaching yoga, and that helped me a lot, too. Being in a space with like-minded women and men helped me feel more like myself again.
I used to think that maybe one day I would come back to the person I was before he died.
But that’s not the case.
I didn’t.
I’m a very different person now.
I am more patient, more grateful.
I was very angry for a very long time after he died. Now, little things that used to upset me before, people who used to irritate me at work, and things involving family members and friends don’t bother me as much anymore.
I don’t have the energy to give to being upset or to environments and relationships that drain me. It’s just not worth my time and energy.
I am stronger now and wiser with the decisions I have to make, both professionally and personally.
Grief didn’t just change me in beautiful ways.
Grief also changed me in ways where I became colder and stopped caring as much about people who offended me or no longer aligned with me. I don’t let them disturb my peace. I also cut people out of my life, and sometimes it doesn’t matter to me if they are family or close friends.
I am not proud of this, and I am actively working through this part of myself. I feel sad about it sometimes, but this is the truth.
And I know that this part of me is not necessarily good.
Grief will change us and try to break us.
It brings out all the darkness and light in us.
Becoming a widow showed me how resilient and strong I am, and I can proudly say that I am strong.
I survived the darkest days of my life, and I know I can survive whatever comes my way.
I’m not as scared to face life and difficult situations anymore. I feel like nothing can break me.
The power I felt and the rush of energy after hitting rock bottom and finally feeling like I was coming back to my senses were amazing. I can’t even describe what it felt like.
The moments of missing someone you love and lost will still hurt like hell, and you will grieve them forever.
The hole in your heart will never completely leave. You’ll carry it forever, but you’ll learn how to build around your wounded heart and soul.
Becoming a widow is not something I would wish for anyone, but loss is a part of life that many of us will experience and have to accept.
Almost four years later, calling myself a widow still feels strange. I don’t know if that word will ever feel completely normal to me.
But I can stand it now in a way that I couldn’t before.
Today, the word still carries weight, but I don’t run away from it the way I used to.
I am a widow.
But being a widow is only one part of who I am.
I am still Merryl.
I’m just not the same Merryl I was before.
And maybe I never will be.
If you became a widow recently and you don’t recognize yourself anymore, I understand.
You don’t have to figure out who you’re supposed to be right away. I didn’t. I’m still learning parts of myself almost four years later.
I don’t believe we simply go back to who we were before grief.
We carry that person with us while slowly discovering who we are becoming.
Thank you for taking the time to read my journal.
From my heart and soul to yours,
Merryl Burns