"Be Strong"
I never thought I would dislike these words during the days, weeks, and early months of my grief.
It felt different. It didn't feel like support. Don't get me wrong — I know people just wanted to support and love me during those days. I know they didn't have the words and didn't know how to be there for me in those moments of deep sorrow. I know it's hard to find the right thing to say.
For me, it felt more like being forced to be strong on the days I didn't want to be strong. I just wanted space to truly absorb my reality. I just wanted to survive — not to be strong. I didn't want to be okay. I wanted to accept help and just have someone hold me while I cried all day.
I'm not saying everyone who has experienced a similar loss felt the same way. This is just what I felt.
Those words did not comfort me. It felt like people just wanted to say something — anything.
To be honest, I got angry. And yes, being angry is part of grief. But I felt that anger most toward the messages telling me to be strong, because it felt like being pressured to be okay right away. I know in my heart that wasn't what they meant. I just couldn't see it in that moment. It didn't feel right, and because of that, I still haven't opened a lot of the messages I received during that time. Maybe I just don't want to reopen that part of my wound yet.
There was a friend who said something different. She said: "You are strong — very strong. You just don't see it yet."
And this hit me differently — even though it sounds so similar to "be strong." It actually felt okay to hear. I felt right away that yes, I am strong. I am. But I don't have to be right now.
I needed space. I wanted to grieve the way I needed to grieve — without making decisions, without going back to work, without being rushed. I never had that time, and I wish I had. But looking back, I believe everything happened for a reason. In the end, it saved me and helped me survive. I wanted to end my life during those early months. It was hard to see anything clearly during that time. So I am still grateful — even though it was nearly impossible to feel that gratitude in those moments.
Looking back now, almost four years later, I realize I wasn't really looking for someone to talk to. I just wanted to feel someone's energy — to know they were there. A simple "I'm here for you whenever you're ready" would have been everything. Someone to sit with me and let me cry. Someone not afraid to witness my pain and sorrow. Someone who could look me in the eyes even without knowing what to say.
I had a few people like that — and surprisingly, some of them were coworkers. They brought me coffee and small snacks. They checked to see if I had eaten. They never asked how I was doing. They were just there. And those small gestures made me feel supported and loved. I am forever grateful and will never forget the ones who were genuinely present during the hardest days of my life.
If you are supporting someone going through a similar experience — your presence and the energy you bring is more than enough. It lets them know they are not alone, and that they don't have to carry this by themselves. Your presence speaks louder than any words you could say to a grieving person.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. If there is anything we can do to support you or someone you love, please feel free to reach out.
From my heart and soul to yours,
Merryl Burns